Friday, 15 June 2012

Aphotic Memoirs

   There are many reasons why one would choose a certain job, some love the money, some love to talk to people, and some are just sick and tired of their parents whining all day long about how useless and lazy they are. My case though, is special... My name is Travis Wiles, I am 28 years old, and I work in a mental asylum.
Just to make it clear, I am not some sort of a sick fuck who chose this job just to make fun of mentally disordered people, I am an absolutely normal guy who chose to work here just because he wanted to feel useful, to be that man who is always close when you need him, that guy who cares about you even though you aren't like the others, the guy that my dad needed that much, but couldn't find...
Believe me, my life isn't boring at all and I have lots of stories to tell, but this one in particular isn't about me, it's about a man whose name was Mark Keaton. All I know about this man is that he came here from Boca Raton, Florida, and that he was around 37 years old. I have no clue why the fuck would he travel from Florida to Connecticut, but I don't think it really matters. What matters is that he worked in the same asylum where I work now, and that he is dead. This isn't the strange thing though, I mean, people die all the time and it's 100% normal, but what's really strange is how this guy died. For you to understand the situation better, I shall throw some background information. You can thank me later...
   The asylum where I work now used to be a prison. The building itself is kind of small and dull, there are around 40 cells where we keep our patients, and 5 more rooms for the employees to keep their stuff. As you've probably understood, there are only 5 men working here, including me. I can't say I have the best co-workers in the world, actually I can hardly state that this guys are sane themselves. If I had to describe each of them I would put it this way: Guy #1 Jake Neville, probably the most retarded guy i've ever met, maybe even more retarded than some of our patients, I have no clue how  he got the job, he had never done anything right, he manages to fuck up even the most obvious things, once he almost sent 2 patients to the ancestors by giving them wrong pills... Guy #2 is the direct opposite to Jake, his name is Alfred or something like that, he is from a Germanic country and he is the most correct guy I have ever met, he even counts and writes down the exact amount of cups of coffee he drinks, damn! I won't be surprised if this guy knows how many times I scratch my ass during the day. Guy #3 is the weirdest of all , his name is Tom Doughtly, he is around 80 years old, and I have no clue why he chose this job. He had read so many books, that you could probably build a small house out of them. Some say that he chose this job because he wanted to understand human psychology better, others say that he chose it to feel even smarter surrounded by vegetables, and I say that he came here because he is a moron, not more, not less. The next guy I can't describe, because i've never seen him, all I know is that he is in charge here, he just sits in his office all day long and pretends that he does something, but in reality he just gives orders and feels important, and the best part is that we're all fine with that, because we are free to do anything we want as long as nobody dies, they don't really verify a thing here, I can even take a handful of pills and throw them in the trash can, nobody will give a shit. And the last guy working here is me... Mr. Travis Wiles, i've been working here for 4 years, and I chose this job because of my father, who died in an asylum similar to this, now all I want to do is prevent another case like that. But what I found in this building filled with hopeless people without future was far beyond my expectations.
On my first day on this cursed job, just like anybody else, I had to pass all the useless examinations just to get a shitload of results on 3 sheets of paper, that's when I've got my first thoughts about how fucked up this place actually is. Later that day I was handled the keys to the room where I was supposed to keep my crap. The room was so small that I could barely fit in there myself, and I have no idea what I was supposed to keep there. After a brief examination I closed the door mumbling some curses towards that guy from administration who was most likely warming his ass in a chair worth more than my kidneys. The next day I brought a couple of things from home with the intention to throw them somewhere in the depths of that small corner of mine. As I was trying to open the god damn door my eyes stumbled across a rather old inscription, carved with a knife or some sharp object, the inscription stated “ Mark Keaton”. All the sudden I realized that I am about to open a door to a room that belonged to a now dead man, and it got me excited almost instantly. After a brief moment of hesitation I forced the door one last time, and the lock gave up. I stopped for a second, holding my hand on the knob, I needed a moment to prepare myself for this. As I slowly pushed the knob , I heard the hinge squeak, this sound only enhanced the weird feeling I had, I felt like I was doing something important, like I was entering a forsaken tomb or something, when in reality I was just trying to open an old door to enter a room smaller than my bathroom just to fit a couple of random items in there. When I thought of it this way, the magic suddenly fade away and I realized how pathetic I was looking, trying to find something special in this whole process. I shook my head just to get rid of all this thoughts and entered the room. I was kind of disappointed when I saw that there were no ghosts in there, only spiders, a shitload of spiders, I even had a feeling that all this little creatures were looking at me like I was some sort of intruder, like this room wasn't mine at all. After showing them who was the real king here by killing half of their “nation” I started to look for a place where to throw my items. I didn't have that much stuff with me, only a couple of books to read, and some clothes in case i'll have to do something dirty. For the first time i've noticed that in the far corner of the room there was a small wooden box ,where, according to common sense, I was supposed to keep my small things, such as all sorts of keys or my books. That particular corner, though, was barely lit, and I could neither understand how big the box was nor predict what could fit in it. After a brief moment I tried to reach the box while sitting because I didn't really feel like standing up, but when I almost touched it I lost the balance and fell down, I realized yet again that I am a retard, and, after laying for a couple of seconds I stood up and finally took the damn box. It was still dark and I could barely see it, so I decided to get out of that room just to open the thing, and that's what I did. Can you imagine my surprise when I saw that the box's door was blocked with a nail... It was getting interesting, I felt like a kid on the Christmas night. After thinking for a couple of seconds I grabbed the box with my hands and slammed it on the ground as hard as I possibly could. Obviously the box broke in pieces and to my great surprise it wasn't empty, there was some sort of a copybook there, it looked rather dirty but I immediately rushed towards the broken wooden pieces just to grab that journal. The copybook itself was very old and had some coffee stains on it. Through all the scratches and stains I could barely read the name “Mark”, there was another word there, I guess it was his last name, but I couldn't figure it out, all I could read there was the letters “Ton”. You don't have to be a genius to understand who was the owner of this journal, but for some odd reason I fell like a real detective when I've connected this 2 facts together.
I've heard that the people working here used to have some sort of journal where they had to write everything about their patients, so that in case some of them die or some other random shit happens, the employee could find the reason easier. Now, thought nobody caries this journals anymore, and nobody really demands you to have one, the only guy who still has one is Alfred (Big Surprise)... After examining the journal for a couple of minutes I finally decided to open it. I can't even express how excited I was, and how disappointed I became when I saw that it was filled with notes about actual patients, nothing more, only boring inscriptions, yet another example of how “thrilling” this job was. I grabbed the journal, threw the wooden pieces in the room and closed the door, still holding my items in the right hand, but for some odd reason i've decided to keep the journal just to read it it my spare time, instead of my books, maybe I can even learn something useful from it.
After a week of boring routine I began reading the journal that i've found earlier, I can't say it was interesting or funny, it was plain text, not more and not less. Just because I was bored as hell I started asking around about Mark, maybe someone would know how he died, but this idea was meant to fail from the beginning, because I was surrounded by idiots and retards, and unfortunately there were way more retards within the employees than within the patients. Every man had his version, Jake thought he got killed by a patient or something like that, Tom was sure that he died because of “Long lasting myelodysplastic syndrome complicated by autoimmune hemolytic anemia and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma” and believe me I have no fucking idea what that means either. And
Jake... He didn't really care, but he knew the most, he told me that Mark died during the night from Tuesday to Wednesday, and that his lifeless body has been found in a cell where patients are held, and for some odd reason Tom was the only one whose words I've actually believed.
When you do the same shit dayly weeks pass slow, and obviously I had more than enough time to read Makr's journal...
I remember this day in great detail, it was Monday, I had to take care of mr. Sambers, a 89 year old guy who couldn't even piss on his own, and while I was wondering around i've decided to open the journal again and read further, and big was my surprise when, after flipping the page I didn't see any medical terms, I didn't see any names either, it was plain handwriting, I guess he eventually understood that nobody gives a shit about his notes so he began to use this copybook as a diary. The story that i've read blew my mind, it simply turned my world around, and now I shall share it with you...

24 October 1994
God this place is boring! Surrounded by damn vegetables, nobody speaks to you, the co-workers are retarded and the patients are simply numb... I am so tired of talking everyday to Napoleons, Queens and Kings, hearing threats from Santa Claus, and giving pills to Abraham Lincoln, it's just crazy... Everybody thinks he is special here, everybody acts as if his ass is worth one million dollars, they even give me creepy gazes, sometimes I am glad that there is a door between me and this crazies... Everybody is the same... Everybody but one guy, Adam Stiff, he is around 40 years old, which is kind of weird, because seldom do we have people so “young” here, usually they are around 60 or older, because psychical disorders don't usually appear if you are young, unless you've gone through some sort of a situation that traumatized you as a kid. As far as I know Adam had a boring childhood, and his life as a teenager wasn't much more exiting, so there is no reason for him to have any disorders, but he has one, at least that's what the doctors say. He was diagnosed with “schizoaffective disorder” which is kind of a usual thing around here. To make it simpeler, he sees things and hears voices. As he stated he sees only one creature that barely resembles a human beeing. According to his descriptions it is some sort of a demon or some shit like that, 2 meter tall with a black face and rather skinny body, long arms and long legs, the description is vague, I know, but it still gives me chills.

25 October 1994

I was always wondering why, out of all the crazies we have here Adam looks so special to me. He's just like the others who have an “imaginary friend”, he looks absolutely normal, but he behaves in a different manner, last night he started screaming, and it was a fucking disaster. The thing is that in a mental asylum, if one starts screaming, everybody panics and eventually starts shouting and yelling too, and it can't be stopped, if you shout at them the situation only complicates. Because it was my shift i had to do something, and I decided to do the only logical thing to stop this madness, I went to Adam's cell too see what the matter was, and to be honest I was a little surprised, he was just standing, with his eyes pointed towards the corner of the cell and shouting, like there was something there, like he was looking into someone's eyes... I see a lot of Schizofrenic people around here, but none of them has a gaze this focused, usually hey just look in a vague manner dispersing their attention, but Adam, Adam was focused, and that moment gave me chills. I called his name, but he didn't react, I called him again but nothing happened, I really didn't want to enter the room, so I decided to shout at him, I shouted as loud as I could but it seemed like there was some sort of a barrier between us. As I was staring, he started shaking, but he was standing on his feet, he didn't fall, he didn't even move an inch, he was standing in the exact same spot and shaking, it was like he was being choked or something. “ADAM! LOOK AT ME YOU SICK FUCK” I shouted in panic. Again no reaction. After a brief moment of hesitation I took the key, put in the lock and slammed the door open, it took me a second to figure out where Adam was, because I was damn sure he was standing in the middle when i was outside, but for some odd reason I felt that the moment I entered the room he shifted a couple of meters to towards the corner. Anyways, all I could really think about that moment was Adam, I rushed like a madman towards him and slammed the guy with my shoulder as hard as I could, like I was trying to kill him. When my shoulder touched his back he leaned forward a bit, but after a couple of seconds the momentum fade away, it felt like there was something or someone right in front of him that absorbed a big part of the energy, it was like I was pushing one more guy and this feeling scared the shit out of me, I ran back a little and, gaining even more speed hit him again, to be honest I have no clue why, out of all the decisions I could make that moment I chose to hit him, it just seemed the most logical thing to me. I managed to take him down, we both hit the ground and I could finally relax for a moment, I wasn't paying attention to the desperate screams of other patients, nothing of this mattered, all that mattered is that Adam was finally silent. Little did I know, thought, that there was nothing good hiding behind that silence...
Adam opened his eyes, looked at me with a dull face and said “Guess I shall be thankful, but you've only delayed the imminent.”

29 October 1994

For some reason I don't feel any restrictions here, I am free to do whatever I want whenever I want as long as it doesn't mess up my schedule. For the last 4 days i've been thinking mostly about that night, about that moment when i've heard the first scream, about the moment when i've seen him for the first time in that room, and about that feeling when I eventually hit him. I can hardly sleep anymore, I need to know what sort of “friend” Adam has and what were those words supposed to mean, I need to talk to him.

3 November 1994

Yesterday I eventually got the chance to talk to Adam, and to be honest the conversation gave me more questions than answers. It was around 11 am when I entered his cell, he was still staring at the corner, his eyes were focused on a spot near the window, it was the heigh of about 2 meters, so if the “demon” were real, he would be looking right in his eyes. I instantly felt uncomfortable, so I tried to break up the silence.
-Hello Adam, I mumbled.
-...
-Adam, listen, we really need to talk about your problem, otherwise it will evolve, and you don't want it to happen, right?
-...
At this moment I understood that he won't break the eye contact with that imaginary friend of his, so to disperse his focus I took my jacket and threw it to that corner. I was rather surprised when I saw that the jacket didn't reach the corner even though i've thrown it with decent speed, but I didn't really pay attention to it, because Adam finally looked at me.
-Hello Travis, he said with a rather fake smile on his face.
-You know my name?
-Yeah, herd it when that moron Tom called you
-Meh, guess it doesn't really matter, I said with a disappointed face because I sincerely hoped that i'll hear as an answer something like “THE DEMON TOLD ME”...
-So why did you come here? To hit me again or what?
-Yeah... about that... I am really sorry but I didn't know what else to do, I mean I don't often see a guy shaking and shits.
-It's ok, you really saved my life there. It was weird but this words sounded so sincere and true that I could hardly believe that they come from a crazy man talking about an evil hallucination.
-Look, I know you have a problem, and here we try to help you, we give you pills and a comfy bed, we do our best to make your friends go away
-HE WON'T GO AWAY!  He shouted all the sudden.
"He first appeared when I was 14 years old, and from that moment he is with me."He said this in a rather weird manner, his hands were shaking and the his face became sweaty
"At first I couldn't see his eyes, he was facing the opposite direction, but then, every day he would turn a little more towards me, every god damn day I could see 1 more millimetre of his fucking face and It was killing me." At this moment he started shaking like crazy, he could barely speak and his eyes were covered with sweat, I don't know what it was , panic or fear but it was growing and soon it became frightening.
"21 MAY 1978 THE DAY WHEN I SAW HIS FACE, WHEN I SAW HIS EYES" He screamed so loud that I almost hit him again.
"I woke up and he was staring at me from the corner, now I could see his eyes, I could see his dark soul and my fearful future, I could see my death and the death of many others in his face, and I could see the pain itself in his smile, I screamed that day, I screamed loudly... When my parents entered the room they saw me sitting in the opposite corner, staring at him, but they couldn't see him, and he knew it, they would never believe my words, they thought I was a madman, a fucking psycho or something, just like the retards that surround us..."
-Adam, they aren't retards, they are people who need he
-BULLSHIT, they have no future, they have no idea what is going on around, and I have, I know, but I can't fight it, he shouted yet again, the shake became weaker, but he was still sweaty.
"He would stare at me all day long, he didn't say a word in all this time, he is just looking, sometimes smiling, sometimes giving me an evil gaze, but never had he opened his mouth. I tried to talk to him, but he didn't react in any way, I don't know what is it and why it came after me but I am sure that he'll get what he wants"
At this moment I understood that there is no point in any further discussion, he was just another crazy man, just like the others, so I gave him some pills and demanded him to take one immediately, but he didn't obey, I asked again, in a little more imperative voice, but yet again no reaction followed, so I just left the room, maybe I was a little angry because he was so stubborn, or maybe I was just sick of this guy.

6 November 1994

The job became boring again, nothing really happens, Adam is silent, a little too silent I think... Now he won't even talk to me, maybe he thought that I would believe him that day, that I would ease his pain, but I rejected him, I treated him like a simple patient, I gave him pills, and that made him lose the respect that he had for me.
Anyways, today I have carved my name on the door of my "room", I couldn't find a knife so I used a little nail that was just laying near the door, I guess I shall keep the nail, maybe I will nail that little box where I keep my stuff, because that moron Jake always steals my cash...
Damn, how boring this job must be if in my journal I write about a nail I found on the floor...It sounds pathetic...

(6 hours later)

Adam spoke to me again. I was walking through the hallway, and I heard a vague call from one of the cells. For some odd reason I instantly figured out that it was Adam, so I slowly strolled towards his room. When I finally came to his door, he was standing in the corner, looking in the same spot. This position almost became usual, so I didn't really pay attention to it.

-You called me Adam? I asked in a sleepy manner, I was so bored and tired that I could barely think in a sane way.
-Yea doc, I want to say you something, he answered without breaking eye contact with his “friend”
-I'm all yours, my sarcastic answer came almost immediately.
-I wanted to say, he stopped for a second, I wan-ted to te-el you something, he mumbled again, and started shaking.
-Adam, I don't have time for your games.
-Don't interrupt me please, I want to finish my sentence, I have to... I wanted to say... Goodbye.
-Please, don't start again, I don't want to hear your...
-This night I will die, he interrupted me yet again.
"Today he finally spoke to me, he said only 3 words, and then shut his mouth again, I screamed but nobody came."
-What did he tell you? What were those words? I almost shouted.
-Doesn't matter, I am just a crazy, I will go away just like the others, you don't care about me, but don't worry I won't bother you again, it's our last conversation, it's MY last conversation.
-Adam WHAT WERE THOSE WORDS? I shouted at him
-You will soon understand everything my friend...
-What is that supposed to mean? Is this a threat or what?!
-Doesn't matter, nothing matters now, he mumbled, he started shaking again, he was repeating this words again and again, “Doesn't matter”, that was all I could hear.
-ENOUGH. I yelled, I stood up and violently closed the door, a loud sound filled the hallway but Adam didn't even blink...
That's how our conversation ended.

7 November 1994

As soon as I arrived to my workplace I rushed to Adam's cell, I was ready to see anything, absolutely anything, I was ready to see him crucified there, I was ready to see a fucking cow dancing can-can there, I didn't know what to expect. As I slamed the door I shouted his name to see if he answers, but he was silent. When I entered the room I witnessed him standing on the bed, alive and awake, one thing was different from the usual though, he wasn't starring at a point on the wall anymore, he focused his eyes to an imaginary point in mid air, right in front of him, like something was standing at a distance of 50-60 cm from him. To my great surprise Adam was rather silent, he didn't even look at me, I tried to talk to him, but it was of no use, so i've decided to leave him as soon as possible. As I stepped out of the room I heard him mumble something, I didn't fully understand what he said, and I didn't really want to ask him anything, but it sounded somewhat similar to the words “This night” or “His night”, I guess he was trying to tell me that he'll die this night, and that his prediction referring to his sudden decease was wrong, but i've learned not to trust this crazy guy anymore.

(2 hours later)

I know Adam is an insane man, I am sure that nothing of what he tells is true, but why can't I throw him out of my mind? Why the image of his Demon is still in my mind, why can't I sleep at nights? Fear? Maybe, but I feel that he is dying, not because of his demon, he's just killing himself, slowly poisoning his body with all the unhealthy thoughts, with all those dumb fears he has.. and the worst part is that there isn't a thing I can do to help him.

8 November 1994

I was wrong... I was wrong all along, for the past month I've been wrong, I had to help him, I had to watch him the last night, I just had to, now I can't help, there is nobody I can help, there is no Adam. This morning, when I came to the asylum I didn't rush anywhere, I just threw my stuff in my little locker, I greeted Alfred and Tom, and started strolling through the hallway, enjoying myself, and feeling somehow superior to all this people around me. I was enjoying the little things in my boring and pathetic life.
When I was close to cell nr. 16 I suddenly remembered about Adam and decided to greet him too, because he deserved the greetings way more than any of my co-workers. I just took random look in the direction where he used to be but he wasn't there, then, when I looked in the opposite corner I saw him in a usual pose, he was just staying and staring in the same damn point... I heard no answer so I just continued walking , and when I was at a decent distance from his cell I said in a loud and self-confident manner “Adam, you didn't die the previous night, you won't die this night, and you won't die here soon, believe me man!” , it was a huge mistake...
I still remember that minute when Jake sat near me on the bench, and, with an emotionless face said “That retard Adam died this night, fucking finally, I have no clue how it happen, I mean there were no knives, no razor blades, the guy even had his fingernails cut, he had no pills and no ropes, no pillows, there was nothing, the room was almost empty, at least now there is one less vegetable in this rotten hole”
My world collapsed, a weird mixture of fear, hatred, anger and regret overwhelmed me. All the sudden I felt a huge urge to kill Jake just for talking in such a way about Adam, I had no idea what to do, Jake was still talking shit, but I couldn't hear a word, I didn't want to hear anything, all I could think of was Adam and his “friend”, I tried to remember If I gave him any pills or any object that could lead to this result. Not only couldn't I concentrate, I also couldn't remember anything suspicious about that day, it was normal, everything was usuall, just routine...
I doubt i'll ever sleep again, I don't know if i'll ever stroll through this hallway with the same feeling that I had earlier, I don't think i'll ever enter the room nr.16 again.
I hate this place, and I can't chage it, all I have to do is just forget what happened, forget it like I used to do with bad dreams when I was a kid. You can't imagine how much I wish to erase this last month from my memory, I just want to feel normal again, be that simple boring guy who is afraid of dogs or darkness, and not of some random demons.
My only friend now is time, only it will heal my wounds, it won't hide the scars but I don't need them to be hidden, nobody sees them anyway, and even if some do, nobody cares...

8 November 1994

Damn Adam is annoying, even when he is dead... It doesn't really matter how much I want to avoid him, it barely changes a thing, I have to face him again... He is still in his cell, lying there, lifeless and numb, with his brown eyes focused somewhere far, somewhere where there are no evil creatures and no demons of any kind.
I entered the room with Jake, who was rather distracted, he barely cared about Adam and it was annoying me more and more, when we came closer we noticed something interesting, Adam was smiling, all the sudden I felt like he was happy, like he was waiting for this moment for a long time, like it was some sort of a relief. Jake soon approached me, and while looking at Adam said one more dumb pun that was somehow supposed to be funny, I could hardly keep myself from hitting the bastard, but I didn't want to spoil the scene, I didn't want to fill such a sacred image with sin...
 -Look at this guy! Jake exclaimed, Not even a scratch, it's like he's still alive, but he's dead, because he's not alive!
 -Couldn't have said it better...
We soon grabbed him, and started to carry his cold body towards the exit, where there was some sort of a platform on which we were supposed to put him. After a couple of steps Jake drooped his arms and Adam hit the ground with his back and head, I slowly put his legs down, and after a couple of seconds, i hit this fucker Jack right in his face, he fell on the floor mumbling something, I felt great, and after thinking for a brief moment, gaining some momentum i hit him in the stomach, and to my great satisfaction he screamed rather loud, after that I picked Adam and carried him on my own towards the platform. Eventually I managed to finish the job myself, while Jake was whining on the ground. After a couple of seconds i closed his eyes with my hand, and finally said “Goodbye my friend”. I know it was too late, but it was the least I could do...

9 November 2012

Today I have to clean his room, to prepare it for the next patient, I've heard it's going to be some sort of a paranoid teenager, and for me it seemed an interesting opportunity.
I grabbed a couple of items from my locker and strolled towards the damn place. When I finally came to his door I took a glance inside and I almost shit my pants that moment. There was someone in there, It was a human figure, staying in the corner, I was sure that it was one of the employees trying to scare me, so I decided to check.
-JAKE, IS THAT YOU? I shouted.
-FUCK YOU, SICK BASTARD, he answered, but the sound came from the opposite direction, he was most likely staying in the bathroom.
After staring at the figure for a couple of minutes I've decided to come in and to turn on the light so that I can figure out who that was. As I came in I couldn't hear a single sound, after a brief moment i've turned on the light, and I almost fell off my feet. Now I could see him better. He was around 2 meters tall, dark, with long hands and long legs. Sounds familliar...
-SHOW ME YOUR FACE! I shouted in panic, but it didn't react.
I took the broom and tried to hit it, but it just went through, “A ghost?” I thought for a second, but then the common sense quickly made me change my mind, "It's just a hallucination", I thought,
I had no sleep the last night. My brain must be playing tricks” This version sounded a little more realistic to me so I proceeded to clean everything, so that I could finally get some sleep. I was just trying to ignore the hallucination, like it was a fly on the wall or something. Big was my surprise, when, after sleeping for 13 hours I woke up with this thing in the corner, facing the wall, just the way Adam described it... I felt a sudden fear, the feeling that overwhelmed me was stronger than any other i've ever experienced, but he didn't care, he was like a statue, like a piece of furniture or something, I couldn't see his face, I couldn't see his eyes, but I knew he was smiling, I was sure he had an evil grim on his face, I could feel it... He or She, or what the fuck was that, was really enjoying it, and it only enhanced my fear, I was shaking, shaking just like Adam used to, I couldn't concentrate, all I could do is stare and stay silent, I had a vague hope that it thinks I am still asleep, but he knew I was awake, and he knew that my legs were shaking...
10 November 1994

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't concentrate, I can't work and I can't take care of my patients, I can't even shit normally, he's here, always, following me, he doesn't look at me but I know he sees me, I know he feels pleasure from my fear, and from my pain, and his influence is only becoming stronger, I started to understand Adam, and it is killing me, I started to feel what he felt, to behave as he'd behaved, and I felt like I was going to end up just like he did, even though this perspective didn't seem too nice to me it seemed like the only way out.

11 November 1994

It has begun...
It turned a bit to me, around 1 cm or so, not that much of a deal, but now I can see a little part of his ear, it seems normal, just like a human ear, but for obvious reason the fact that he'll turn 1 cm every day drives me crazy. I started shouting, I grabbed the chair and started hitting it, but the chair was just going through. I've noticed this but it didn't really stop me, I shouted louder and started hitting it harder, I broke the wall but it didn't stop me either. After a couple of minutes my neighbours showed up with some rather obvious pretensions, but I didn't really care, I shouted louder and finally destroyed the wall . I never realy liked it...
I heard the police officers knocking on my door, and, lust lke any other good citizen I felt like it was my duty to answer. And I did, I answered by throwing the microwave at it, hope they got my message properly...

28 November 1994

Hello, my name is Travis Wiles, and I am a patient in a mental asylum in Connecticut, a couple of weeks ago i've got arrested for attacking a police officer and destroying a lot of shit, I was found guilty, but because my lawyer could prove that I have a mental disorder, instead of going to jail, I was sentenced for 3 years of suspension in this fucking asylum. And when I felt that the situation couldn't have got any worse, I saw the number of the cell... 16. Adam's cell, the cell where he died and where I first saw the damn thing. As i was being carried towards the entrance by 3 beefy guys I saw my “friend ” inside, in the corner, but he wasn't facing the wall anymore, he was looking right in my eyes, in my soul, I shouted, I started shaking like crazy, I didn't want to go in there, I shouted again, but for them I was an usual guy, just one more crazy, just like Alan was for me...


4 December 1995

This is my last entry in this diary, it's still here, closer to me than it's ever been, giving me that gaze again, and the only thing I can do is watch and wait, no point in shouting or asking for help, nobody will help, they just give you a couple of pills, so that you become sleepy, and don't bother them anymore. I know it because I used to do this way, i've never taken any of their problems seriously, I was looking at it like it was a game or something, and now i've got my lesson. I stay in the corner, because here I get a fake feeling that i'm safe, when in reality I am just as vulnerable as I would have bern in the middle of the room. We both just stay, and neither of us really resembles a human being anymore, I am skinny as hell, I don't eat, I don't want too, I just want it too end, but I can't do it myself, I am not brave enough, on the other hand, waiting till it will do it is too painful and I can't afford it, I have no knives, no razor blades, no ropes, no needles, nails, not even a fucking pillow, this god damn beds have no pillows, because sometimes the patients would suffocate themselves using them.
Now, all I can do is think about my past, about my life, everything that I used to enjoy... I remembered my wife, Lucy who got in a car accident when she was 29, and, after laying for 11 months in the hospital, died at the age of 30... I remember my daughter, Anne, who is now around 7 years old... Damn I haven't seen her in a while. Due to a lot of irrelevant problems I had to send her to my mother, in Colorado, and the only way I could talk to her was through text messages or phone, but it didn't happen too often... I regret it more than anything in my life...

(1 hour later)

NO,NO,NO,NO IT CAN'T BE TRUE....
He finally spoke to me, all I could hear from this monster was 3 words, the worst words I could have ever herd from anyone... It, can't be true... I cry like a child. I've heard his voice and I suffer now. That's how he does it, he tortures you with a permanent, constant fear and then, right before he kills you, her tells you the 3 words, 3 words that hurt you, that make you feel the worst agony, that make you shout and destroy, to feel pure anger, combined with fear... He achieved his purpose... all I fear now is pain, I can't fight and I can't change it... I can't think of anything else but the words that I've heard, they are spinning in my head, repeating over and over again, driving me crazy, I can't concentrate, my life doesn't matter, all I can think of is that statement of his, how he opened his mouth slowly displaying his rotten teeth, and from the depths of his soul the terrible words came


Anne is next”


No comments: